Direct Answers - Column for the week of January 27, 2003

I have been involved with a married man for a little while. I am married myself, but it was an arranged marriage and I am very unhappy. I stay with my husband because of culture and my small children.

Because I was miserable I was elated to fall in love with a guy I met. I never asked him for anything. I wanted to be able to have a friend in him. I know he will never leave his wife and I don't want him to, but last week I found out I am pregnant by him.

I know the best way forward is termination, but it is tearing me apart as I am Catholic and my third child died at birth last year. When I told him, he totally freaked out big time. He told me to get an abortion as soon as possible. He said I was to present him with the receipt, and he would pay half, as if I am a common prostitute.

He is only the second man I ever slept with. The first was my husband. I am beside myself and cannot sleep or eat. When I try to contact him, he says he is with his wife and family, and I am not to bother him.

It looks like he was only interested in sleeping with me, while I wanted someone to talk to. I feel like dirt. I can't even say it is my husband's as I have not slept with him in over a year. Please help.

Clio

Clio, how did this chain of events begin?

You married a man you did not love. That was the first link in the chain. Love is something we all need. If we don't have love, we are going to go looking for love. That search created the second link in the chain.

You and this man took no precautions to prevent a pregnancy. That formed the third link. Now you have a choice about whether to keep the baby. That link will probably determine not only the baby's future, but the future of your marriage.

Three things suggest you want to have the baby. You recently lost a child, you took a chance on becoming pregnant again, and it is in accord with your religious tradition.

As unhappy as you are in your marriage, your husband must feel the same way. If it is at all possible, you need to sit down and discuss with him the state of your marriage and the best course to follow now. Be forthright in your explanations.

We cannot tell you what decision to make, but the discussion with your husband is central to your future and the future of your children. Right now you are desperate, but once you have done the hardest thing--telling your husband--every day things will get easier. Then you will be on a truthful path, and your future can only be built on truth.

Your actions so far have been based on not facing up to the reality of your situation. Even one more day in that direction will make things worse. If you feel you are unable to discuss this with your husband, then you need to discuss it with a trusted friend or one of the many groups which does pregnancy counseling.

At one time the man you were involved with could have made a decision to protect himself and his wife. That time has passed. He may have created a half brother or half sister to your children and to his own. His price to pay is that the future is your decision, and the law will spell out what his obligations are.

You have a life to live and children who depend on you. Basing your life on honesty can get you back to the kind of life you envisioned for yourself.

Wayne & Tamara